The Best 50 Insults

I first started compiling this list back in August 2013, and it still makes me laugh my head clean off. Like the guillotine. Just—clean off. 😂

Anyway, I figured I might as well take credit for finding and polishing these gems. Some are classics, some are chaos, all are hilarious. Enjoy, sucka! 😎

💬 The List

1. Do you annoy people as a hobby, or is that just your personality?
2. I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed. (For my Shakespeare lovers.)
3. Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
4. I see you’re playing stupid again—and you’re winning.
5. How do you manage to carry your enormous ego up the stairs?
6. Would you like a side of epic with that fail?
7. Let’s play a game: you go underwater and I’ll count to one million.
8. How about you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
9. You’re like Mondays—nobody likes you.
10. If you were a game show, you’d be called No Deal.
11. “Cool” means cold, “hot” is the opposite of cold… so if I’m not cool, I must be hot. Thanks.
12. Hide! The garbage truck is coming!
13. You warthog-faced buffoon!
14. You clattering collection of caliginous clutter!
15. You son of a motherless goat.
16. You’re not only physically repulsive but intellectually bankrupt.
17. They should’ve put you in a jar on the mantlepiece. Shame.
18. You are a sad, strange little man—and you have my pity.
19. Sit your $5 ass down before I make change.
20. If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you to the bathroom and watch you try to think.
21. When I think of you as a person, I take away reason and accountability.
22. I don’t give a damn about your idiotic conundrums.
23. You baboon-faced bastard.
24. You tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms!
25. Well aren’t you just a cookie full of arsenic.
26. You cantaloupe.
27. You’re a wart on the nose of humanity.
28. You degenerate.
29. You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach.
30. You remind me of sweat from a baboon’s balls.
31. You malignant little ooze.
32. In the vast configuration of things, you’re a skittery little spider.
33. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard.
34. You must be the arithmetic man—you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
35. I’ll never forget the first time we met—but I’ll keep trying.
36. He got his good looks from his father. His father was a plastic surgeon.
37. Thanks for dinner. I had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn’t it.
38. I’d slap you, but that might make you look better.
39. It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with Poseidon’s trident.
40. As an outsider, how do you view the human race?
41. You have delusions of adequacy.
42. You have all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire.
43. You sometimes stumble over the truth, but you always get up and walk away like nothing happened.
44. Somewhere out there, a tree works hard to give you oxygen. You owe it an apology.
45. If Chewbacca and a dead dinosaur had a jam session, your music would sound close.
46. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter sentence.
47. You must be an experiment in artificial stupidity.
48. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
49. You’re as thick as a bull’s walt.
50. You are the reason some animals eat their young.

🧠 Final Thoughts

Some are savage. Some are silly. All of them remind me how creative insults used to be before Twitter came along.

Now go forth and roast responsibly 🔥